Reader, remember how back around Thanksgiving, we were treated to a turkey who was trying to bust into Chez Bang Bang, but he chose the wrong casa to bust into because our shed has no weapons or tools, but instead just spiders and old broken DJ equipment so jokes on you, Bad Guy?
This year was his year of reckoning, and there have been a couple of court dates, which we have not attended, because we knew nothing was actually going to happen because all he really did was open an unlocked shed and dumped a box of shit we don’t need anyway on the ground. I mean, I’m all for capital PUNISHMENT (see what I did there, Reader?? It’s a clever pun, that’s what that is right there, thanks lotsa sleep & strong coffee) except mostly his punishment should involve coming over and mowing my grass in the spring, if you’re asking me.
And to my surprise, they actually ARE asking me, because I was sent a victim impact statement to fill out which will be read to him on Valentine’s Day, how romantic!, during his probation hearing.
Call me a softie, but I’m kinda thinking three court dates is punishment enough for spilling out a box of junk in my yard. Although he did make me really jumpy for several weeks after, including even last night when I heard some noises I couldn’t blame on cats, but decided to calm the fuck down, Me, and just chalked it up to House Noises because it is cold and icy out in my backyard and NO ONE is there, so go back to watching the Olympics, which is what I did and guess what, I didn’t wake up murdered this morning so it must have been nothing after all.
I am considering filling out this statement, because I’d really like to tell this kid (he’s in his early twenties) a thing or two, you know, like when I yelled at him as he was being cuffed and hauled away, ‘YOU’RE A BAD PERSON!”
I had considered writing on my impact statement, “Just don’t be a dick again.” But since it’s going to be read to him on Valentine’s Day, I think it would be fitting to write him something a little more poetic.
Roses are Red
Attempted Robbery is Not Cool
Life Has Many Good Options
So Don’t Choose the Ones Where You’re a Dick
I think it has a certain panache.
*of COURSE I’m not actually going to write that. At least probably not.
**If you don’t understand the title of this, you missed out on some memorable 70’s teevee.